Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What kind of Dangerous Surrender is this?

It was in fall of 2009 that I read the book "Dangerous Surrender" by Kay Warren.
Dangerous Surrender: What Happens When You Say Yes to God  -     
        By: Kay Warren
It is a great book.  A life changing book.  I really highly recommend it, especially if you have the gumption to follow through. ;-)

It changed me.  I became overly enthusiastic to save the world.  I already have a bit of a polyanna syndrome, but this was at a whole other level.  I was out to kick some tale and take NO names.  I was on fire like I never had been before.  That was the fall that Ben got sick.  After spending most of December going to doctors, emergency departments, and over a week in the hospital, we got the diagnosis of his Acute Lymphoid Leukemia on December 31, 2009.

My mission continued in a different vein.  To care for my son to the best of my ability while giving God glory for sustenance.  I was told (or understood, whether it was what I was told or not) that the "up front" part of treatment, the first 9 months, was the hardest, then the maintenance phase begins, and you are on cruise control (so to speak), from that point on, and life goes back to a relative normalcy.  I counted months, weeks and days to the maintenance phase, and it finally came after a rough 9 months up front.  I was set to go, life was starting again, and I had no holds barred.

But normalcy didn't resume, really.  Mini obstacle after mini obstacle came up, needing me to navigate over, under or through them, never around.

Then last July after a fabulous week in Colorado at a women's conference, then vacationing with my husband, Ben broke his leg.  It was a minor accident, it seemed to trivial to even bring him to the ED.  I felt silly showing up there, yet in my gut I knew it was a fracture.  Follow up on that fracture revealed that Ben's bones are incredibly frail and weak, from the side effects of treatment and nutrient deficiency.  I have a rambunctious 5 year old in the bone structure of a frail 85 year old woman.  I set out to fix this problem, only to be told again and again that it is not something that can be fixed until treatment is finished.

Then during the fall, Ben battled campylobacter (a bacterial food poisoning) for 8 weeks and two hospitalizations, with a pneumonia thrown in for variety.  Just last week we found out that he has a chronic, antibiotic resistant sinus infection that has infected the bones behind his ears as well.

And did I mention that he has a severe, persistent, drug resistant, insomnia?  For two years now?

This clearly is a new normal, and to be honest, I have developed a great resentment.  That is where this fast comes in.  In my resentment I have railed against God.  I have questioned, I have sobbed, I have raged, I have doubted, and finally, in obedience, I have fasted.

 As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God? 

 My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.
 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.
 My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.     
Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.
 By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.
 I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
 My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
  Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42
 In the end, I always realize how closely he is carrying me and how truly lost I would be without him.  Without the devastating losses, I would be a lost person.  The heartache has formed my heart.

Though I have so far to go, God has used this agony to bring me out of total selfishness into his glorious presence.

I still have enormous desires to go out and change the whole world around me.  However, at the close of this fast, on this past Sunday at church, there was a message just for me.  Just for me!!

Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.”  John 20:21
My mission is where I am.  I don't have to be sent far and wide.  I don't have to impact communities, cities or nations.  My mission is here.  I have been commissioned, sent, if you will, to this very place that I already am.

I have come full circle.  I am where I need to be, doing exactly what I have been commissioned to do.  God leading and guiding me.


  1. What an inspiring posting! And love how you said heartache forms the heart, which is so true.
    Prayers as you continue on your mission.

  2. I can sympathise sp with the bone infection behind the ears. That made me in tears this afternoon. I had mastoidectomy surgery last week. The culture shows I now have (had) MERSA. Also, the stuff that has been running out my ears for nearly 2 years now is CSF, which is the fluid in the sack that supports your brain. Now, I will need some serious IV treatments of antibiotics, maybe for 4-6 weeks, before the intercranial (in the head) surgery to patch the leak.

    Today, he repacked what was packed in surgery, and removed a pollup sp with out sedation or numbing. It is a Vicoden night tonight for sure.

    Hang in there Lee, your are quite a superwoman, with God's help of course. You are in our prayers, as is your family.

    -Brian Vander Hulst

  3. Lee, I was in Bible Study last night and as we read the following passage, your name came slamming into my head and I just want to share it with you. You remind me of Paul, hard pressed on every side but always trusting in God:
    Acts 20:19 - I served the Lord with great humility and with tears although I was severly tested (by the plots of the jews), (in your case, your trials).
    vs 22-24 And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem (in your case, my mission) not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city (situation) the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my lif worth nothing to me if only I may finish the race, and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's Grace.
    vs 35 - In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said "It more blessed to give than receive.
    Vs32a - Now I commit you to God and to the word of His grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified.
    Lee, there is now greater mission! My prayers are with you and your family. I hope this encouraged you even just a little. Love you. Aunt Paula

    1. Sorry for the misspelled words.

  4. So moving, Lee. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy to have met you and Ben, and to be able to follow along in your journey through this. AND I can't wait to see how God is going to use this whole trial in your life and to glorify Himself. We can see it happening already! Most of all, I am anxiously waiting with you for the day when we will see Ben completely healed!! God is using you already to inspire so many. You are such a blessing!! Love from Sarah and me. : )