Answers!

This won't be long and drawn out, I have a lot to do today, but answers, whoa daddy are there answers!

1. A $200 check from the church of a family member, totally unsolicited.  (as mentioned previously, we have had a serious financial strain come up).
2. A $190 gas card from a family member, totally unsolicited.
3. I found out that I have mono, that is why I am not well.  While not a "blessing" it is better than some of the things we tested for, and now we know what to do....rest.
4. Our church is going to be providing temporary "emergency" respite for us for a few months.  (See number 3.)
5. I think we are getting a handle on Ben's sleep.
6. We are all studying scripture and praying more.
7. Alex has been petrified when discussing his swimming for two weeks, since he was getting sick last time he went and it was traumatic.  This morning he it totally cool with swimming today.

There is more, this is just on the tip of my tongue.  I knew, knew, knew that God was leading me into this fast as part of his plan, and that those that joined in agreement were also so led.  God is good.  All glory to him!

Get out of here, you Devil's crew: 
      at last God has heard my sobs. 
   My requests have all been granted, 
      my prayers are answered.   Psalm 6:8-9 msg

What kind of Dangerous Surrender is this?

It was in fall of 2009 that I read the book "Dangerous Surrender" by Kay Warren.

It is a great book.  A life changing book.  I really highly recommend it, especially if you have the gumption to follow through. ;-)

It changed me.  I became overly enthusiastic to save the world.  I already have a bit of a polyanna syndrome, but this was at a whole other level.  I was out to kick some tale and take NO names.  I was on fire like I never had been before.  That was the fall that Ben got sick.  After spending most of December going to doctors, emergency departments, and over a week in the hospital, we got the diagnosis of his Acute Lymphoid Leukemia on December 31, 2009.

My mission continued in a different vein.  To care for my son to the best of my ability while giving God glory for sustenance.  I was told (or understood, whether it was what I was told or not) that the "up front" part of treatment, the first 9 months, was the hardest, then the maintenance phase begins, and you are on cruise control (so to speak), from that point on, and life goes back to a relative normalcy.  I counted months, weeks and days to the maintenance phase, and it finally came after a rough 9 months up front.  I was set to go, life was starting again, and I had no holds barred.

But normalcy didn't resume, really.  Mini obstacle after mini obstacle came up, needing me to navigate over, under or through them, never around.

Then last July after a fabulous week in Colorado at a women's conference, then vacationing with my husband, Ben broke his leg.  It was a minor accident, it seemed to trivial to even bring him to the ED.  I felt silly showing up there, yet in my gut I knew it was a fracture.  Follow up on that fracture revealed that Ben's bones are incredibly frail and weak, from the side effects of treatment and nutrient deficiency.  I have a rambunctious 5 year old in the bone structure of a frail 85 year old woman.  I set out to fix this problem, only to be told again and again that it is not something that can be fixed until treatment is finished.

Then during the fall, Ben battled campylobacter (a bacterial food poisoning) for 8 weeks and two hospitalizations, with a pneumonia thrown in for variety.  Just last week we found out that he has a chronic, antibiotic resistant sinus infection that has infected the bones behind his ears as well.

And did I mention that he has a severe, persistent, drug resistant, insomnia?  For two years now?

This clearly is a new normal, and to be honest, I have developed a great resentment.  That is where this fast comes in.  In my resentment I have railed against God.  I have questioned, I have sobbed, I have raged, I have doubted, and finally, in obedience, I have fasted.

 As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God? 

 My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.

 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

 My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.     

Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

 By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
 My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”

  Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42

 In the end, I always realize how closely he is carrying me and how truly lost I would be without him.  Without the devastating losses, I would be a lost person.  The heartache has formed my heart.

Though I have so far to go, God has used this agony to bring me out of total selfishness into his glorious presence.

I still have enormous desires to go out and change the whole world around me.  However, at the close of this fast, on this past Sunday at church, there was a message just for me.  Just for me!!

Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.”  John 20:21

My mission is where I am.  I don't have to be sent far and wide.  I don't have to impact communities, cities or nations.  My mission is here.  I have been commissioned, sent, if you will, to this very place that I already am.

I have come full circle.  I am where I need to be, doing exactly what I have been commissioned to do.  God leading and guiding me.

Peace, Joy, and Hope

Thursday evening I was doing one of the Bible Studies in my Women of Faith Study Bible.  The title is Peace, Joy, and Hope.  It seemed suitable under the circumstances.  As I was rounding out the study, with my mind more than halfway toward sleep, I read the last paragraph.  I read:  "Lay all your hurts and worries before him.  Ask him to help you accept your circumstances...".  EXCUSE ME?!  Why on earth should I have to accept cancer, and sinus infections and Hirschsprung's Disease, and no sleep, and....the whole dang thing.  I DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT, I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!!

But it is not going away.  While I believe in praying boldly, and looking for answers with eagerness, I also know that this all won't just disappear like it was never there.

So I tried.  I tried to pray for acceptance, for contentment in these circumstances.  I couldn't.

Then I  tried to pray for a heart that would be able to pray for acceptance of these circumstances.  I kind of almost did a little bit.

I remember, there was a time, a long time, that I was content in these circumstances.  I was able to accept all this and be good, really good with God.  What has changed?  God hasn't changed, He is still good, He is still truth, He is still LOVE.  I have changed.  At some point I decided this is too hard and that I should be exempt.  That I had endured enough.  That my son had endured too much in nearly 6 years, and that real goodness should come.  I forgot that I have the power to bring the goodness by accepting our circumstances, and living in the peace, joy and hope that are here to be found.  Right here, in the midst of cancer, Hirschsprung's, exhaustion, infections, and much more.

I still don't want to accept this.  I want this curse lifted.  I want relief from this, and I will continue to pray for that in earnest.

 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God Bless!

 

Prayer Time

Allow me to make this disclaimer.  It is hard to blog with your laptop on top of your dog who is on top of your lap, but I wouldn't boot her for anything, so here goes.  Now she is sitting up rocking the recliner, this might not last...

I am entirely uncertain of how to describe our prayer time today.  I will start with demographics, attending were my parents, our pastor, my friends Jenn and Becky, and praying from church were two other friends who stayed away because we have a tummy bug here.  There were also numerous others who were praying from their offices, homes, cars, etc.

One of the things this prayer time included was transparency.  It is hard to let down and show how hard it is to battle cancer (and lot's of other stuff) for 2+ years.  I am thankful we were able to be humble enough to show our hurts and trials.  We prayed over Ben, for healing, recovery, restoration, wholeness, goodness, and a full and vibrant life.  We prayed over his room, for protection.  Mike and I were prayed over as well.  Hannah has the tummy bug, but she sat on the stairs and listened while we prayed, and shared later that it blessed her as well.

All of this is still in process in my mind, but it has been received in humility and love.  I am so thankful for those who are willing and able to stand boldly alongside my family and bring us before the throne of the Creator and Sustainer of the universe.  I am thankful to God for the answers that I trust are in process, and I am ever so grateful for the perimeter of  protection that has been placed around our home and family by the power of prayer.  We have resisted the devil, and he has fled.

 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  James 4:7-10

God bless and Godspeed.

Breakthroughs and Let Downs

On a very private level, we have had a major let down.  It is financial, and I just don't feel that it is right to share. However, please pray with me about this, for restoration.

Another private level, we have had a breakthrough on a very specific prayer issue, that is personal to me.  So there, I'm all secret squirrel today.  But please pray some thanksgiving for this breakthough, it is beautiful!

Another thing I am really praying about is me.  My need for restoration and victory.  It has been several months since I have felt really well.  I am going to the doctor about this, so see if something is medically wrong, or if it is just the culmination of exhaustion over years.  This feeling poorly and tired all the time has robbed me of one of my great joys, which is running.  Running blows when you feel tired and your legs are  like cement.  I find myself often slowing to a walk without even wanting to, it just happens, over and over and over.  I am really hoping to run the 25k in the Riverbank this year, since I ran my first half marathon last fall, and really, really want to run the North Country Trail Run marathon at the end of the summer.  My good runs are OK, my bad runs are not runs.  I really, really want this for myself.  Really.  Really.

Overall the fast has been a good experience.  I am on day 17 of 21.  Almost there.  I believe there have been some answers to prayer, and that others are on the way.  I believe that the experience itself has blessed me with the fruit of self-control, and changed my relationship to food.  I have learned that I love date honey, and can replace sugar with it in many things.  I have learned that when I go without dairy and sugar that my acne clears right up.  I sure won't be eating the same, and I was healthy to start!

My relationship to God has changed as well.  I am learning to trust and believe in his power in my life in a way that I never have before.

This scripture has become a life theme for me:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 
   because the LORD has anointed me 
   to proclaim good news to the poor. 
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 
   to proclaim freedom for the captives 
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,  

to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor 
   and the day of vengeance of our God, 
to comfort all who mourn, 
 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— 
to bestow on them a crown of beauty 
   instead of ashes, 
the oil of joy 
   instead of mourning, 
and a garment of praise 
   instead of a spirit of despair. 
They will be called oaks of righteousness, 
   a planting of the LORD 
   for the display of his splendor.

God Bless!

Second day

Well really it is kind of actually my third.  I did a dry run on Saturday.  So far, this is how it is going:

1. Without caffeine I am horribly, pathetically tired.  Who knew that was the only thing keeping me awake all day?
2. Unleavened bread is really, really good.  Like addictively good.
3. I make great soup!
4. I still feel like prayers are hitting the ceiling.
5. I have dug into some really cool scripture, chosen by looking up certain words in the concordance and reading chapters around them.
6. I have tons of support in this, and I appreciate and value it so much.  I originally planned to set out on my own on the fast, but decided to ask for agreement in prayer and/or fasting, and so many have responded.  Amazing!

Last night I read Psalm 40 in NIV, msg, and NLT.  This is the NLT version, I LOVE it!

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
      and he turned to me and heard my cry.
 ² He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.
 ³ He has given me a new song to sing,
      a hymn of praise to our God.
   Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
      They will put their trust in the Lord.

 ⁴ Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
      who have no confidence in the proud
      or in those who worship idols.
 ⁵ O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
      Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
      You have no equal.
   If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
      I would never come to the end of them.

 ⁶ You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
      Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand^[a]—
      you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
 ⁷ Then I said, “Look, I have come.
      As is written about me in the Scriptures:
 ⁸ I take joy in doing your will, my God,
      for your instructions are written on my heart.”

 ⁹ I have told all your people about your justice.
      I have not been afraid to speak out,
      as you, O Lord, well know.
 ¹⁰ I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
      I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
   I have told everyone in the great assembly
      of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

 ¹¹ Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
      Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
 ¹² For troubles surround me—
      too many to count!
   My sins pile up so high
      I can’t see my way out.
   They outnumber the hairs on my head.
      I have lost all courage.

 ¹³ Please, Lord, rescue me!
      Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
 ¹⁴ May those who try to destroy me
      be humiliated and put to shame.
   May those who take delight in my trouble
      be turned back in disgrace.
 ¹⁵ Let them be horrified by their shame,
      for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”

 ¹⁶ But may all who search for you
      be filled with joy and gladness in you.
   May those who love your salvation
      repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
 ¹⁷ As for me, since I am poor and needy,
      let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
   You are my helper and my savior.
      O my God, do not delay.

Directions

The idea behind the Daniel fast started as a series of small prompts that I followed like a donkey following a carrot.  There was no intelligence required to get here. ;-)  There are some other prompts, though, that I haven't followed so well.  Yesterday changed that.

I was sitting at the table with a woman who is enormously well versed with children with special needs.  I have the incredible blessing of having her assigned to us to help us manage some of Ben's behavioral concerns.  As we discussed his sleep habits, which is hands down the largest challenge we face with him, she gave me some suggestions for helping him, then sat back and, though a bit uncomfortable, proceeded to say with an adamance that clearly appeared prophetic, that we need to pray over his room and and even have a laying of hands in prayer for him.

This is something that has been suggested before, but as I admitted earlier, I hesitated to follow.  At this point it was clear that if I didn't follow God would send a donkey to chat with me about it.  As soon as she left, I emailed my clergy, and I am happy to say that they are entirely on board with the prayer service for Benjamin, and we should have it completed within the month.

This adventure I am jumping into with the Daniel fast is proving to be monumental, and I haven't even begun the fast yet.  I cannot wait to share even more.

God bless!

Daniel Fast

I am going to be venturing into a Daniel Fast for the restoration and victory for our family, and specifically for Benjamin.  I want to start sharing this in a place that is easy to link up to email and other places, so I dug out this old blog.

I have been in a place where prayers have been bouncing off the ceiling and I have felt more and more alone and downcast.  God has led me to this as his answer.  I am not sure specifically what to expect, but I do expect great things.  To God be the glory!

Emerging

In mid-August Ben entered the maintenance portion of his chemotherapy for his leukemia.  I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the day my cocoon started to open.

I really didn't even know I was in a cocoon if I'm being honest.  In much the same way you know something is not right but you can't put your finger on it while you are dreaming, then you wake up to recognize that the odd feeling you had was because you were not in reality, I have emerged from a cocoon realizing I was there after the fact.

This year has been a deep, dark barrel of horror, when expressed in retrospect.  It is ironic how during the nightmare I didn't have a full realization of how horrific it was.

I am so thankful to have emerged, and for the protection from the reality of the situation in the midst of it.  I have a new appreciation for the light of day, and low and behold, I believe I may have even sprouted a set of wings while encapsulated. 

A Promise

On the day Benjamin was diagnosed with leukemia, Mike went home from the hospital to find this magnet had come in the mail.  The verse is not that clear, I apologize, a photographer I am not.  It is 2 Corinthians 1:20, "For as many as are the promise of God, they all find their answer in Him."


This does not mean that Ben will be totally cured or that the road will always be smooth, but that His word will be a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path, that we can consider it pure joy to endure trials of many kinds because the testing of our faith develops perseverance.  God has been true to these and many more promises.  What a sighting of God!  There are no coincidences in Him.