What kind of Dangerous Surrender is this?

It was in fall of 2009 that I read the book "Dangerous Surrender" by Kay Warren.

It is a great book.  A life changing book.  I really highly recommend it, especially if you have the gumption to follow through. ;-)

It changed me.  I became overly enthusiastic to save the world.  I already have a bit of a polyanna syndrome, but this was at a whole other level.  I was out to kick some tale and take NO names.  I was on fire like I never had been before.  That was the fall that Ben got sick.  After spending most of December going to doctors, emergency departments, and over a week in the hospital, we got the diagnosis of his Acute Lymphoid Leukemia on December 31, 2009.

My mission continued in a different vein.  To care for my son to the best of my ability while giving God glory for sustenance.  I was told (or understood, whether it was what I was told or not) that the "up front" part of treatment, the first 9 months, was the hardest, then the maintenance phase begins, and you are on cruise control (so to speak), from that point on, and life goes back to a relative normalcy.  I counted months, weeks and days to the maintenance phase, and it finally came after a rough 9 months up front.  I was set to go, life was starting again, and I had no holds barred.

But normalcy didn't resume, really.  Mini obstacle after mini obstacle came up, needing me to navigate over, under or through them, never around.

Then last July after a fabulous week in Colorado at a women's conference, then vacationing with my husband, Ben broke his leg.  It was a minor accident, it seemed to trivial to even bring him to the ED.  I felt silly showing up there, yet in my gut I knew it was a fracture.  Follow up on that fracture revealed that Ben's bones are incredibly frail and weak, from the side effects of treatment and nutrient deficiency.  I have a rambunctious 5 year old in the bone structure of a frail 85 year old woman.  I set out to fix this problem, only to be told again and again that it is not something that can be fixed until treatment is finished.

Then during the fall, Ben battled campylobacter (a bacterial food poisoning) for 8 weeks and two hospitalizations, with a pneumonia thrown in for variety.  Just last week we found out that he has a chronic, antibiotic resistant sinus infection that has infected the bones behind his ears as well.

And did I mention that he has a severe, persistent, drug resistant, insomnia?  For two years now?

This clearly is a new normal, and to be honest, I have developed a great resentment.  That is where this fast comes in.  In my resentment I have railed against God.  I have questioned, I have sobbed, I have raged, I have doubted, and finally, in obedience, I have fasted.

 As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God? 

 My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.

 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

 My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.     

Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

 By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
 My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”

  Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42

 In the end, I always realize how closely he is carrying me and how truly lost I would be without him.  Without the devastating losses, I would be a lost person.  The heartache has formed my heart.

Though I have so far to go, God has used this agony to bring me out of total selfishness into his glorious presence.

I still have enormous desires to go out and change the whole world around me.  However, at the close of this fast, on this past Sunday at church, there was a message just for me.  Just for me!!

Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.”  John 20:21

My mission is where I am.  I don't have to be sent far and wide.  I don't have to impact communities, cities or nations.  My mission is here.  I have been commissioned, sent, if you will, to this very place that I already am.

I have come full circle.  I am where I need to be, doing exactly what I have been commissioned to do.  God leading and guiding me.